I have been soooooo very busy lately. I just moved into my first apartment! Yay!!! On top of that I have been looking for a second job, my boyfriend is the most amazing person in the world. He makes me feel alive. When I am around him everything makes sense, I’m not depressed or sad, the voices leave me alone. I can actually function a bit. School has been stressing me out so much. I feel like I am losing it. I am behind in all of my classes. I have no motivation to do homework. I’m so tired. All I want to do is sleep. I don’t want to think about anything, I don’t want to do anything. I just want to sleep until there is nothing left. I am so drained right now. I will hopefully be back soon and have more to say but right now I need sleep.
Eating disorders aren’t always about starving, binging or purging. Having an eating disorder can mean to be terrified of the calories in an Apple one day, eating uncontrollable the next day. It’s not clear, it’s a continuing battle to eat or not to eat, it’s a constant battle with food.
All I see is fat when I look in the mirror. All I saw are flaw. All I see is a gross disgusting body. I want to starve, I want to purge everything I eat. I want to slowly disappear until everything is gone. I want to be perfect, I want to be thin. I hate this feeling of fat on me. I hate being able to grab handfuls of fat on me. I hate feeling like a whale. I must starve, I must purge. No one understands why. I try to explain to them that this has to happen but they don’t seem to get it. No one understands my need to be thin, no one understand my need to be perfect. No one can see why I hate myself so much. I want to scream at the top of my lungs to get it through their heads. All I want is to lose all the fat on my body. I don’t want to look disgusting anymore. I’m so tired of hating myself.
Allow me to introduce you to the Red-eyed Crocodile Skink. Since these guys were recently discovered (mid to late nineties), there isn’t a whole lot that is known about them, but I’ll share a few facts with you here.
These guys can grow up to ten inches in length, though the average is more like seven.
They’re pretty shy and choose to play dead as their defense mechanism.
Other than geckos, these guys are one of the only lizards that vocalize. Their sound is described as a barking noise when they’re in distress
She hates herself, she wishes she were dead most days, she wishes she never existed. She binges and purges, she starves herself to be perfect. She doesn’t want to be like this, she is tired of always being the strong one, she is tired of not having the control that she needs. She hates herself so much she doesn’t know what to do besides cry. She doesn’t want to feel anything. She wants to be numb but she can’t. All she feels is disgust, disgust in how she looks, disgust in how she acts, disgust in how she talks, disgust in what she sees. She wants to disappear into nothing. Soon her goal will come through and she wont have to suffer in this middle world anymore.